It Doesn’t Have To Make Sense

“How?” and “Why?” are two questions we chase, mainly because we want things to make sense to us, which makes a lot of sense. But sometimes, pursuing the answers to those questions muddies the waters in a marriage.

Don’t get me wrong, exploring how and why can reveal important truths that result in better understanding. There are times, though, when chasing how and why is like a dog chasing its tail—a lot of energy spent going nowhere.

An oft-heard phrase in marriage counseling is, “I just don’t understand them,” a phrase that’s born out of frustration because there’s something about their spouse that doesn’t make sense to them.

That’s when they look at the therapist and ask, “Why are they like that?”

When I first started working as a therapist, that question would paralyze me, feeling like I had to have insight into every human behavior and come up with explanations that sounded like I was intelligent. So, I would rattle some inane psychobabble and nod my head with gravity, and people would say, “Oh.” 

In their minds they were probably thinking, “What kind of inane psychobabbling idiot is this?”

It took a number of years before I was brave enough to tell couples, “It doesn’t have to make sense.”

There’s a verse in the Bible that the old King James translates as an admonition to husbands to “dwell” with their wives “according to knowledge.” Therefore, one of the main tasks of marriage is to figure out what kinds of things make your spouse feel valued whether those things make sense to you or not.

Marriage is a commitment, a commitment to treat your spouse in a loving, gracious, and kind manner.

It’s a commitment that should mean something to you; that should motivate you to please your spouse—period!

Simply put, if what your spouse wants from you is not unhealthy for you or immoral, you ought to do it. Again, whether it makes sense or not.

If you’ll practice this, you’ll be amazed how much simpler and satisfying married life can be.

* Taken from The Wit and Wisdom of David Johnson, Volume 1: I Didn’t Know Donkeys Could Laugh.