Editorial: A Phoenix with 1,000 Cuts

If you want a lesson in survival, talk to an entertainer (or public figure).

This weekend I had the honor of giving my little cousin “singing lessons,” or at least giving her advice on songs she is going to sing.

We talked about basic things like breathing from your diaphragm, projecting, chest voice vs. head voice, among other things.

Background: I started singing lessons with Mrs. Teresa Smith when I was 9 and continued singing as a profession until I was 18, when I went to college. Not famous, barely regionally recognized, but it was something that gave my life purpose for a little while, and it is still a big part of my identity.

Going into the lesson, I wasn’t sure if I could be of any help.

Like, I can ride a bike pretty well, but can I adequately teach someone else how to ride a bike well?

I wasn’t sure.

I thought about Mrs. Teresa and my first impression of her. I was in awe of her talent and scared because I didn’t know if I had what it takes. How could I ever be like her, so amazingly talented and confident?

I loved music, but you never know what you can be until you take the first step.

Mrs. Teresa knew how to start small with the basics and build on it to create these amazing singers that I still admire, like Jessica Andrews, Brooke King Cooper, Jessica Tucker, Anna Ross Eaton, Jonathan McDowell, Whitney Duncan, among MANY others.

So, I figured I should start by listening. I asked her to sing the first song she had been working on and then I gave feedback. Obviously, the first time you do anything can be memorable and terrifying and I told her, “you’re in a new place, holding a mic, singing in front of someone you’ve never sang in front of - it’s a lot and it’s ok to be nervous.”

Long story short, she was a great student, she listened and adjusted and made great progress in a short time. I’m convinced she will shine brightly on performance day.

During the lesson, I shared some of my experiences with performing and some of the things to be aware of.

For example, “the audience is going to be dead-faced, not smiling, because who just sits there and smiles during a long event? No one.

“When people are listening, all the other social cues and niceties take a back seat and it’s the eyes, ears and brain taking in the information. So be aware, they aren’t mad, they’re just listening.”

(Side note, I’m the weirdo smiling at you while you’re performing because I know how uncomfortable it can be to be up there.)

But dragging out all the lessons I’ve learned through the years, brought a lot of things to the surface that, for the most part, I had repressed.

One thing I told her to be aware of, is when you start to shine and stand out, you will become a target for people who want to try to dull your shine.

“Don’t pick that negative feedback up (from where they dropped it) and start snuggling with it. That’s not yours to carry. Leave it there. Because what people say about you has a lot more to do with them than you.”

Do you know how Mrs. Teresa, myself and other entertainers I’ve known earned their confidence?

By a thousand cuts. A thousand times that someone tried to break them and they survived.

The strength comes from a thousand tears, a thousand different lessons, a thousand times you didn’t know if you could go on. Everything in this world is a blessing or a lesson and the first time always hurts the most.

Good news is, that particular thing won’t hurt as much the next time; and, “at least you know exactly who your friends are,” a recent lyric by Taylor Swift.

I use lyrics like positive affirmations and anthems of endurance.

I talked a little about Taylor Swift, Adele, and others’ struggles with being in the spotlight.

“Just because they said it, doesn’t make it true. Your worth is not defined by the negative (or positive) feedback from others.”

At some point in the conversation, she mentioned a feature that she didn’t like about herself.

Then, I told her about all the times I’ve said those things to myself.

She replied, “but you’re beautiful,” and I replied, “So are you.”

“We always see and say the worst things about ourselves but see others as flawless.”

It is your job to look in the mirror every morning and give the person staring back some grace.

You are exactly as God made you and you are doing your best.

“When people try to tear you down, it is your job to realize where it’s coming from and love them anyway.”

Everyone is hurting in some way, but it rarely comes out as “I’m hurting.”

It comes out as you’re ugly, stupid, you can’t sing, etc.

So, don’t pick that stuff up and snuggle it, it doesn’t belong to you.

Forgive those who lash out and love them anyway.

Your peace is your most valuable asset and no one can take that from you without your permission.

Being affected by it makes you human, rising above it makes you a survivor, a phoenix.

I share this with you all for two reasons: to tell you about a beautiful little girl who is starting her singing journey :) and to remind you to give yourself some grace.

To all the little girls out there, NEVER believe that you are anything less than amazing.

And to everyone else, like the sign that’s been in our front window for over a year says, “you are so loved.”

Yes, you.

Thank you for existing.